I used to think that true love didn’t happen unless two people simultaneously came together in a cosmic emotional collision. It couldn’t be considered “true” unless both fell in love with each other at the same time, and it had to be “electric” in nature. Lately I have rethought that idea, coming to the conclusion that only one person is needed for true love to happen.
I found true love, for he exists in this world, and no one else can or will replace what he makes me think and feel. Whether or not he feels the same way, I have not confirmed it, for I may never physically see him again. It is easier for me to think that he never thinks about me or considers me anything more than what it was – a passing fling.
A long period of time has passed, and yet almost everyday I think of him. I have done my utmost best to forget him and cleanse him from my system, taking on boyfriends and temporary affairs. No one “electrifies me” like he does. Nothing has worked. Remaining busy has not kept my thoughts from straying to visualize him in my head at odd moments, times when my brain seems to “breathe.”
Thus, I have resigned myself to the idea that he is The One, the absolute one. I will let him invade my being at anytime without second thought. His photo will stay as my cellphone wallpaper and I will tell people he is just a model I downloaded from the internet. No one will know I have tasted those lips and lost myself in his eyes.
In the ‘80s and 90’s – much until Grunge overtook the music scene – my personal life revolved around the music scene both local and national. As a buyer for a record store (those buildings where you actually had to go in to purchase music on a record, tape, or compact disc, and are now rare) I had access to concerts and after parties regularly. Through my boyfriend at the time, who worked at concerts around the city, and sometimes in the outer regions, I had double access to concerts, backstage as well as after parties, too.
Long hair was everywhere at the time, and backstage, groupies as young as twelve constantly tried to sneak their way in to see their favorite guys after the shows were over. Some of them made it in, and who knows what illegal trysts went on inside those dressing rooms. All I can say is that there was usually a lot of alcohol being passed around and hair spray was rampant.
I never was really interested in the guys in the bands unless they were onstage in the midst of their musical ecstasy, thrashing their beautiful long blonde locks around with abandon. I was a good girl at the time, and I remained faithful to the boyfriend despite numerous attempts at rendezvousing with me by both men and women. Alas, I went weak with one, and he wasn’t even in a band. I was so enthralled by his boldness at kissing me more than I was by his persona. Thus began my love affair with long blonde hair; I thought it was deliciously in contrast to my boyfriend’s long black wavy hair, and both were over six feet tall to my relative under five feet stature. Yet one of them called me Princess.
Velvet Revolver – Fall to Pieces
This was more after the hair bands but felt I had to include them in here. I never got to see this group perform together but only while they were in their separate bands – Guns ‘n’ Roses (Slash) and Stone Temple Pilots (Scott Weiland). I think it was Scott Weiland who once gently took my shoulders and turned me aside as I stood at the backstage door talking with the boyfriend so he could pass through, saying something like ‘excuse me, honey/sugar/babe.’ I remember his burgundy pin-striped suit more, thinking how oddly eccentric he should be wearing it (on second thought it could’ve been Layne Staley of Alice in Chains because of a beard on his chin but I can’t picture him in a suit).
Some of the Hair Bands and Ballads~
Whitesnake – Here I Go Again
His wife, actress and model Tawny Kitaen is in the video.
Bad English – When I See You Smile I used to use John Waite’s (the lead singer) name whenever I went on my midnight excursions across the border to Canada. They would ask where and who I was going to see, and the only Canadian name I could think of was his. Nowadays they ask if I always travel alone, and I always want to tell them my friend in the back seat has a tendency to become invisible when he’s nervous.
Warrant – Heaven
I went to an after party with Warrant and their opening act (can’t remember the name, only that most of them were long-haired blondes), whose lead singer kept calling me beautiful and autographed a photo and gave it to me, unsolicited.
Poison – Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Bret Michaels has gone downhill, but he still thinks he can get those young groupies.
The Plutchik Model of Emotions (I’m not going into the psychology of emotions right now but wanted to share the link for information. I am, however, a bit perturbed that purple embodies disgust.)
Today, after a meeting at work, I was told by a colleague that I was intense and scary. He told me that as I was speaking his knees were literally shaking. I was scary. The first thing that popped out of my mouth was, “You haven’t met my mother.” While I found it funny because I’ve never seen myself as an intense person, and I could think of others who I find intense and never able to relax around them, I started to seriously think outside myself.
What do I do now? Do I start to become a meeker person than I truly am so I become “normal” and more acceptable to people? True, I am passionate about things or people I believe in and will follow that road to a point, not necessarily to the end, as I inadvertently lose interest or become distracted by another passion. I am at odds because some people think I’m too quiet and meek already, so where is this “intensity” coming from?
Maybe I should just go live in the jungle among the trees and monkeys where I belong, eating bananas and swinging on vines.
It’s been about five years since the film came out. Watching it again with some female friends I once again experienced the sexiness of all that testosterone onscreen, wondering why aren’t there men that beautiful and manly hanging around my world? I love that King Leonidas (Gerard Butler), as powerful as he was, turned to his wife because she was his partner, his love – that is so intensely sexy.